Tuesday, June 21, 2011

in which I apologize to friends and strangers alike..

if you are new to my blog.. this may seem strange.

If you have been "following" for any amount of time (over a year) then this may make perfect sense.

I've experienced a lot of growing up in the last year of my life and it pains me that anyone new to my blog could take a look into prior posts and see what I "used" to be like. So to spare your time I will sum it up. I used to use my blog as a way to vent, preach or (as I liked to call it) "teach."

*I thought I had all the right answers.
*I thought I had to share all my opinions with everyone. Even if you didn't ask for my opinion.
*I thought I needed approval from others and for them to validate what I thought was "right."
*I thought I needed a place to "speak my mind."
*I thought a good "friend" was someone who wasn't afraid to tell you what they thought.
*I thought that it was my responsibility to tell you how your children, marriage and life (in general) could be made better, if you only would do ________ (fill in the blank).
*I'll even confess that I got adrenaline rushes from negative responses to my posts and would therefore desire to "stir the pot" just to get that rush.
*I'll confess that most of my life (up until this point) I have understood little about what a true friend is.

So, now what?

*I thought I had all the right answers. I realize I don't have all the right answers. In fact, so much of what I thought was "right" wasn't so right after all. (I'm speaking of my "ones size fits all" legalistic view of life).
*I thought I had to share all my opinions with everyone. Even if you didn't ask for my opinion.Turns out, that is what pushes people away. And even if there are a few people who agree with me, they don't want to be friends with someone who pushes their views on people.
*I thought I needed approval from others and for them to validate what I thought was "right."This is huge for me. I don't have to gain any one's approval for me to be okay with me. I am a beloved daughter of a King. He loves me, good, bad and ugly. I am who He made me to be. Therefore, I don't need to seek the temporary approval of anyone. I don't have to run on that "performance treadmill." I am accepted by the One that matters most. There has been so much freedom in owning this.
*I thought I needed a place to "speak my mind." I realize that most of the things I was doing that with, were not worth the loss of relationship. An easy lesson for some, but I take a while longer than others to get things into my noggin'.
*I thought a good "friend" was someone who wasn't afraid to tell you what they thought. I think it's safe to say that after pushing away enough people, I am learning what makes a valuable friend. I used to not be a "safe" place for people. I am learning what that looks like now.
*I thought that it was my responsibility to tell you how your children, marriage and life (in general) could be made better, if you only would do ________ (fill in the blank). A lot of my posts were not "in your face" as much as they were subtle in this regard. I would go on and on about how I "do things" around here. That, I now know, was possibly heaping judgement, guilt and possibly shame on other moms. The truth is that even when I thought I had the answers, I would never admit that my own life didn't meet my own expectations. There was the rub. But I would never post about that. Until now.
*I'll even confess that I got adrenaline rushes from negative responses to my posts and would therefore desire to "stir the pot" just to get that rush. And every time I would say, "I'm not trying to start a fight, promise." But yet, inside of course I loved it. It was attention. Negative or not. (It's gross, I know.)
*I'll confess that most of my life (up until this point) I have understood little about what a true friend is. Thankful for those that have stuck around, patiently loving on me while I work through tough lessons. Proving that a faithful friend loves at all times. Not that they put up with my junk, but they are quick to show love and grace.

Here is the bottom line:
I am not going to delete years of blog posts, but please know that God is changing me. It's hard, scary and very humbling. And for all those that I have hurt, offended and basically pushed away, I am truly sorry.


6 comments:

Michelle said...

Love it! Aren't we all walking together working our salvation out together!?! I love to hear what others are learning because I am right there learning too.

Greta said...

How refreshing is this?!

I think it is so appealing when people can be real about their struggles (esp. those in their thoughts that no one actually sees).

Thanks for keeping it real :).

emily said...

I appreciated your honesty Rachel! Not only is there a lesson to be learned in writing blogs, but there is also a skill to be had in reading them. Often, I have found myself comparing, feeling guilty, arguing in my mind, etc. I've had to fast blogs at times because of that! I need to remember that blogs are documented journeys. It was so great for me to hang out a bit with you and other "mommy bloggers" on our last trip, and be reminded that you all are very real women and your kids are real too! Not that you have built a facade here, but only so much can be seen online. Hopefully these blogs can be encouragements to all of us as we journey on this crazy road called motherhood.

-C said...

I love this. Without you having to write these, I could tell that God had been working in your heart in your more recent posts. I'm feeling similarly in that God has opened new doors of understanding Him and myself in these cool mid-30s years. :) I love the journey I'm on with Him.

Enjoy Birth said...

It is a journey. It is a blessing we change along the way!

Shelley said...

Transparency is beautiful and healing for the one who is transparent and for the ones fortunate enough to be around to witness the transparency. I am fortunate and you are beautiful. Thank you for sharing your healing and journey with so many! I love you!