So here are the reasons that I AM "thankful" that makes this easier to process:
1. I was five weeks and we had not gone to see the heartbeat yet. I know friends, women who have lost their babies past 12 weeks. I can NOT imagine that loss. My little bundle was very, very young. Loss is loss in that sense, but the attachment had not grown to the same level as getting that far along in your pregnancy. I've always said, that although i have lost both my parents before the age of 20. Both were taken suddenly. Therefore, I can not fathom the level of pain associated with seeing your loved one suffer through an illness or other circumstance. Apples to oranges. Both fruit..yet very different.
2. I have two other little bundles that keep me very busy, which helps minimize depression or unnessecary dwelling. They bring me so much joy that its hard not to smile constantly at the blessing that they are to me.
3. Jack. My very good friend, Christina and her husband Paul just delivered their first baby last night. There is nothing that spells rejoicing like seeing new parents with their little baby. I know this seems odd that seeing this baby would make me thankful..but it is such a joyous time I can't imagine not being excited for them. Sure the thought came to mind that I have just lost a little one that would have matured into that newborn, but immediately I am reminded that I have two of those blessing already. I hurt for the many women who can not maintain a pregnancy and are still barren. If I never had another baby, which would be a loss in itself, yet I would exult in the Lord because of my overflowing cup with the family He has given me.
Yeah for baby Jack. He is absolutely precious. And looks just like his German roots dad and nothing like his Mexican-American momma. Its hilarious. The german roots beat out the mexican ones. Interesting!
4. My husband. This is a biggy. He has been so supportive. We have prayed together, cried together and reassured each other of our unending trust in the Lord. That is all I need, honestly. We always said we wanted four kids (I've always said at least four! ha!) So he is confident that the Lord has more in store for his quiver.. we will just trust His timing. There is hope in that.
So that brings me to the things that brings on the waves of emotion:
1. The thought that I lost "my girl." Isn't that funny that I was five weeks, but convinced that I was going to have a girl? And for some reason had the fleeting thought that I had lost my only chance for a girl. Then I laughed and said, "okay Rachel, like God really works like that." I want what the Lord gives me. If I get four boys.. I will be blessed indeed. Just as much as if I only had my two boys. But for some reason I had to get past that... and when I pass those girl clothes in the store.. I don't need to mourn. I trust the Lord to give me what He sees that I need.
2. just the excitement of having life inside of you. Its hard to remind myself that I am no longer pregnant. There is so much pride for me in given the honor to grow, bear and nurture another child. But God's plan is perfect. I many not understand it, but thats not my goal. I did have a hard time while in the doctors office looking at all the pregnant women.
3. having to tell people the very thing I don't like to talk about...at least not yet.
I am not a woman unaquainted with grief..although it always makes me chuckle that i generally handle it the same way each time I am in its path. I immediately convince myself that I don't need to talk to in depth about my feelings on it since God obviously knows how I feel about His decision. As I have told many people, "I don't have a problem with God..its just sad." However, the first rule of grief is to vent. Not disraction..as I like to think. Although I must define venting. For me it means that I imagine myself crawling up in the lap of my heavenly father and communicating what I feel. Letting him wrap his arms around me and listen. Then in the precense of that loving soverignty I am brought to true worship. Because my venting eventually ends with the words of Habbakuk 3: 17-19 :
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
YET I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
Even when surrounded by affliction and grief.. I will rejoice in the Lord. Although I do not dare to compare my grief with the grief that comes from the context of these verses (these prophesies of affliction were because of the chastisement of the Lord on the Israelites.) I do agree with the heart of reliance on the Lord.
God not only wants me to vent.. its His method of healing. So when I truly recognize that I am avoiding doing it..I realize its not because I don't want to talk about it.. it comes down to the fact that I don't want to worship.. thats not where my heart is. Its hurting.. But its the expression of my heart communicating to God that brings true worship because I am faced with His soverign plan and that is what I need to focus on to heal. Well that about sums up my thoughts. if you have read this.. you are a patient friend indeed.