in which I apologize to friends and strangers alike..

if you are new to my blog.. this may seem strange.

If you have been "following" for any amount of time (over a year) then this may make perfect sense.

I've experienced a lot of growing up in the last year of my life and it pains me that anyone new to my blog could take a look into prior posts and see what I "used" to be like. So to spare your time I will sum it up. I used to use my blog as a way to vent, preach or (as I liked to call it) "teach."

*I thought I had all the right answers.

*I thought I had to share all my opinions with everyone. Even if you didn't ask for my opinion.

*I thought I needed approval from others and for them to validate what I thought was "right."

*I thought I needed a place to "speak my mind."

*I thought a good "friend" was someone who wasn't afraid to tell you what they thought.

*I thought that it was my responsibility to tell you how your children, marriage and life (in general) could be made better, if you only would do ________ (fill in the blank).

*I'll even confess that I got adrenaline rushes from negative responses to my posts and would therefore desire to "stir the pot" just to get that rush.

*I'll confess that most of my life (up until this point) I have understood little about what a true friend is.

So, now what?

*I thought I had all the right answers. I realize I don't have all the right answers. In fact, so much of what I thought was "right" wasn't so right after all. (I'm speaking of my "ones size fits all" legalistic view of life).

*I thought I had to share all my opinions with everyone. Even if you didn't ask for my opinion.Turns out, that is what pushes people away. And even if there are a few people who agree with me, they don't want to be friends with someone who pushes their views on people.

*I thought I needed approval from others and for them to validate what I thought was "right."This is huge for me. I don't have to gain any one's approval for me to be okay with me. I am a beloved daughter of a King. He loves me, good, bad and ugly. I am who He made me to be. Therefore, I don't need to seek the temporary approval of anyone. I don't have to run on that "performance treadmill." I am accepted by the One that matters most. There has been so much freedom in owning this.

*I thought I needed a place to "speak my mind." I realize that most of the things I was doing that with, were not worth the loss of relationship. An easy lesson for some, but I take a while longer than others to get things into my noggin'.

*I thought a good "friend" was someone who wasn't afraid to tell you what they thought. I think it's safe to say that after pushing away enough people, I am learning what makes a valuable friend. I used to not be a "safe" place for people. I am learning what that looks like now.

*I thought that it was my responsibility to tell you how your children, marriage and life (in general) could be made better, if you only would do ________ (fill in the blank). A lot of my posts were not "in your face" as much as they were subtle in this regard. I would go on and on about how I "do things" around here. That, I now know, was possibly heaping judgement, guilt and possibly shame on other moms. The truth is that even when I thought I had the answers, I would never admit that my own life didn't meet my own expectations. There was the rub. But I would never post about that. Until now.

*I'll even confess that I got adrenaline rushes from negative responses to my posts and would therefore desire to "stir the pot" just to get that rush. And every time I would say, "I'm not trying to start a fight, promise." But yet, inside of course I loved it. It was attention. Negative or not. (It's gross, I know.)

*I'll confess that most of my life (up until this point) I have understood little about what a true friend is. Thankful for those that have stuck around, patiently loving on me while I work through tough lessons. Proving that a faithful friend loves at all times. Not that they put up with my junk, but they are quick to show love and grace.

Here is the bottom line:

I am not going to delete years of blog posts, but please know that God is changing me. It's hard, scary and very humbling. And for all those that I have hurt, offended and basically pushed away, I am truly sorry.