I have a sad doula confession..

The sad doula confession:

I haven't always been doula-ish.

Let me explain. A doula could be defined as caring, supportive, knowledgeable and compassionate during a woman's labor process.

There are two people who knew me "way back when" I wasn't a doula at heart. And sadly, I feel that I will never forgive myself for how I "helped them."

The first person that probably didn't benefit from my "help" (pre-doula) is my sister Mishka. With all three of her births she would call me at first contraction. For her that did NOT mean it was really labor. She always had prodromal labor: contractions off and on for several days. But once the pattern stayed, I headed down to Montgomery (an hour away) to help her labor at home before going to the hospital. We would go walking, come home and basically time contractions the entire time. I didn't know how to get her comfortable. In fact, I remember one time with one child, she got "stuck" in her big couch during a contraction and couldn't escape.. she was not happy.. I think I just laughed.. while she was contracting. {sigh}

But the longest fall from grace (lol) was on her last delivery (almost three years ago). To my credit, I did have a three month old when I came down to "help," that I brought with me. But my poor sister, who labors through late at night, decided she wanted to lie down in her bed. NOT A GOOD IDEA FOR SLEEPY SISTER WITH A THREE MONTH OLD. So what happens? My sister is writhing in pain through contractions, by herself, and then gets up and starts hacking in the bathroom all by herself. To which she then come in, HAS TO WAKE ME UP, to tell me it's time to go to the hospital. {bigger sigh}

{shudder} Seriously, this makes me so sad. I occasionally tell her how severely sorry I am and how I wish she would have another baby so that I could redeem myself. LOL. I try to assure her that now I DO NOT resemble anything that I did when I was "helping" her. But I feel it's no use. She may be waiting for that birth story that involves me telling about how a mom had to wake me up to tell me it was time to get to the hospital. {sigh}

The second person that I have huge regrets with is my very good friend, Christina. She never reads my blog, but I am always apologizing to her too. Two years ago she was having her first baby and planning a natural child birth. I was convinced she was crazy, and I had no qualms about telling her exactly that. I said things like, but not limited to:

"Are you saying that you feel more confident that the doctors?"

"Do you feel like you have to prove yourself, or something?"

"Christina, really?? you can find research to prove any point you want to make. That doesn't mean it's right."

"I just think its ridiculous to go through pain when you don't have to."

{sigh}

I wish I could say that was the least of what I did. I was the most skeptical, rude, highly misinformed, ignorant woman you could think of. Not to mention, totally unsupportive and even angry at my friend for even considering doing something so "stupid." {sigh}

To both of these womens' credit, they were very patient with me. They even talk to me to this day. ;-) But i have to say, I have come a long way in the last two years.. since my pregnancy with Eva (who is a year old, btw). I immediately wanted to try a natural child birth.. and to who do I credit? Christina. And who was there at my birth as one of the most supportive, caring, encouraging coaches? my sister, Mishka (and Christina..well and Jen and Laurie and my husband..what can I say.. I am an extrovert).

I even have a "FREE THE MIDWIVES" bumper sticker on my van and am a huge advocate for home birth in Alabama or at least for women to have the option with a legal midwife. And I did get to redeem myself with Christina. Two months ago she gave birth to a baby girl. I was there with her the entire time and was actually able to help, the right way! ;-)

So you could say that I was once a sad case.. but thankfully God opened my eyes to the beauty of His creation and how it works beautifully and I am thankful that He puts very patient people in my life. {sigh}