Doing well...

Hey guys. I just wanted to thank everyone for praying for me.  I have received lots of calls and well wishes.  I am doing great!  I credit your prayers.  

Adios!

Theraputic writing

I actually think that writing is theraputic for me. Whether or not anyone reads it is unimportant..although it is a nice gesture. I realize that i have been a bit of a recluse this past week, but with me being a social addict its been very unusual for me. I thrive on using 3000 minutes a month on my cell phone (we don't have a home phone) *me trying to justify how I can talk on average of 100 minutes a day! Anyhoo.. I have gotten so many well wishes via email, facebook, myspace and the blog (notice all my social outlets) but I have not had the desire to respond, until now. Every time I have read one it has truly encouraged me. Some of you just "dropping by" to tell me you are praying for me or thinking about our family, its such a treasure.. I just haven't had the umph to reply back.

I was telling Jorge (big Jorge) today that it took me by suprise when I started to cry in the church lobby (waiting for him to come out of the mens room) and like six pregnant women walked through the lobby. I was completely taken off guard. I have seen many a pregnant woman since last monday but for some reason it hit me different today. I truly thought that I had mourned and was past it, emotionally speaking. Guess not. But what has supprised me most is that I have not had much of a desire to be social. Even my sister and my mom, who I normally call once a day at least, i have only talked to about twice this week. That is just crazy to me.

Well I guess that about sums up what I have been thinking. it helps to write it out. I want to blog..but blogging about the mundane stuff just wasn't appealing to me.. so i was left with talking about my big elephant in the room. I am praying that the mundane will be back soon. Thank you to everyone who reads this and comments and those of you faithful readers who don't leave comments (you know who you are).

here are some pictures for your enjoyment!

my thoughts on this whole thing

So here are the reasons that I AM "thankful" that makes this easier to process:
1. I was five weeks and we had not gone to see the heartbeat yet. I know friends, women who have lost their babies past 12 weeks. I can NOT imagine that loss. My little bundle was very, very young. Loss is loss in that sense, but the attachment had not grown to the same level as getting that far along in your pregnancy. I've always said, that although i have lost both my parents before the age of 20. Both were taken suddenly. Therefore, I can not fathom the level of pain associated with seeing your loved one suffer through an illness or other circumstance. Apples to oranges. Both fruit..yet very different.
2. I have two other little bundles that keep me very busy, which helps minimize depression or unnessecary dwelling. They bring me so much joy that its hard not to smile constantly at the blessing that they are to me.
3. Jack. My very good friend, Christina and her husband Paul just delivered their first baby last night. There is nothing that spells rejoicing like seeing new parents with their little baby. I know this seems odd that seeing this baby would make me thankful..but it is such a joyous time I can't imagine not being excited for them. Sure the thought came to mind that I have just lost a little one that would have matured into that newborn, but immediately I am reminded that I have two of those blessing already. I hurt for the many women who can not maintain a pregnancy and are still barren. If I never had another baby, which would be a loss in itself, yet I would exult in the Lord because of my overflowing cup with the family He has given me.
Yeah for baby Jack. He is absolutely precious. And looks just like his German roots dad and nothing like his Mexican-American momma. Its hilarious. The german roots beat out the mexican ones. Interesting!
4. My husband. This is a biggy. He has been so supportive. We have prayed together, cried together and reassured each other of our unending trust in the Lord. That is all I need, honestly. We always said we wanted four kids (I've always said at least four! ha!) So he is confident that the Lord has more in store for his quiver.. we will just trust His timing. There is hope in that.

So that brings me to the things that brings on the waves of emotion:
1. The thought that I lost "my girl." Isn't that funny that I was five weeks, but convinced that I was going to have a girl? And for some reason had the fleeting thought that I had lost my only chance for a girl. Then I laughed and said, "okay Rachel, like God really works like that." I want what the Lord gives me. If I get four boys.. I will be blessed indeed. Just as much as if I only had my two boys. But for some reason I had to get past that... and when I pass those girl clothes in the store.. I don't need to mourn. I trust the Lord to give me what He sees that I need.
2. just the excitement of having life inside of you. Its hard to remind myself that I am no longer pregnant. There is so much pride for me in given the honor to grow, bear and nurture another child. But God's plan is perfect. I many not understand it, but thats not my goal. I did have a hard time while in the doctors office looking at all the pregnant women.
3. having to tell people the very thing I don't like to talk about...at least not yet.

I am not a woman unaquainted with grief..although it always makes me chuckle that i generally handle it the same way each time I am in its path. I immediately convince myself that I don't need to talk to in depth about my feelings on it since God obviously knows how I feel about His decision. As I have told many people, "I don't have a problem with God..its just sad." However, the first rule of grief is to vent. Not disraction..as I like to think. Although I must define venting. For me it means that I imagine myself crawling up in the lap of my heavenly father and communicating what I feel. Letting him wrap his arms around me and listen. Then in the precense of that loving soverignty I am brought to true worship. Because my venting eventually ends with the words of Habbakuk 3: 17-19 :
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
YET I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;

Even when surrounded by affliction and grief.. I will rejoice in the Lord. Although I do not dare to compare my grief with the grief that comes from the context of these verses (these prophesies of affliction were because of the chastisement of the Lord on the Israelites.) I do agree with the heart of reliance on the Lord.

God not only wants me to vent.. its His method of healing. So when I truly recognize that I am avoiding doing it..I realize its not because I don't want to talk about it.. it comes down to the fact that I don't want to worship.. thats not where my heart is. Its hurting.. But its the expression of my heart communicating to God that brings true worship because I am faced with His soverign plan and that is what I need to focus on to heal. Well that about sums up my thoughts. if you have read this.. you are a patient friend indeed.

Confirmed: sad news.

Well we got confirmation today after the second set of HCG levels: I miscarried. I can't really talk about it. Its hard to face the reality and adjust my brain, and heart, to realize that our little bundle is no more. I am confident in the Lord. We praise Him for His soverignty. We praise Him for many things..especially that He comforts us. I do thank everyone for all your encouraging words and mostly for your prayers. It truly made the difference in my world the last three days. I look forward to seeing God's plan revealed..even if I have to wait unti eternity for it to make sense to me.

Adios todos.

We need your prayers!

Hey everyone.. please pray. I started bleeding this morning and am about to leave for the doctors office. My dr says not to loose hope since 40% of women experience bleeding in the first trimester. Some as much as a normal period. Mine has actually slowed down a bit, a good sign, and i don't have any cramping, although the bleeding was moderate in the beginning. I also won't have an answer until wednesday mid-morning because they will take my hcg levels today and then the second round on Wednesday am. We pray they are quadrupled (sp?).

Thank you so much for praying. We are trusting God..in His perfect will..whatever it may be.