Wednesday, October 3, 2007

my thoughts on this whole thing

So here are the reasons that I AM "thankful" that makes this easier to process:
1. I was five weeks and we had not gone to see the heartbeat yet. I know friends, women who have lost their babies past 12 weeks. I can NOT imagine that loss. My little bundle was very, very young. Loss is loss in that sense, but the attachment had not grown to the same level as getting that far along in your pregnancy. I've always said, that although i have lost both my parents before the age of 20. Both were taken suddenly. Therefore, I can not fathom the level of pain associated with seeing your loved one suffer through an illness or other circumstance. Apples to oranges. Both fruit..yet very different.
2. I have two other little bundles that keep me very busy, which helps minimize depression or unnessecary dwelling. They bring me so much joy that its hard not to smile constantly at the blessing that they are to me.
3. Jack. My very good friend, Christina and her husband Paul just delivered their first baby last night. There is nothing that spells rejoicing like seeing new parents with their little baby. I know this seems odd that seeing this baby would make me thankful..but it is such a joyous time I can't imagine not being excited for them. Sure the thought came to mind that I have just lost a little one that would have matured into that newborn, but immediately I am reminded that I have two of those blessing already. I hurt for the many women who can not maintain a pregnancy and are still barren. If I never had another baby, which would be a loss in itself, yet I would exult in the Lord because of my overflowing cup with the family He has given me.
Yeah for baby Jack. He is absolutely precious. And looks just like his German roots dad and nothing like his Mexican-American momma. Its hilarious. The german roots beat out the mexican ones. Interesting!
4. My husband. This is a biggy. He has been so supportive. We have prayed together, cried together and reassured each other of our unending trust in the Lord. That is all I need, honestly. We always said we wanted four kids (I've always said at least four! ha!) So he is confident that the Lord has more in store for his quiver.. we will just trust His timing. There is hope in that.

So that brings me to the things that brings on the waves of emotion:
1. The thought that I lost "my girl." Isn't that funny that I was five weeks, but convinced that I was going to have a girl? And for some reason had the fleeting thought that I had lost my only chance for a girl. Then I laughed and said, "okay Rachel, like God really works like that." I want what the Lord gives me. If I get four boys.. I will be blessed indeed. Just as much as if I only had my two boys. But for some reason I had to get past that... and when I pass those girl clothes in the store.. I don't need to mourn. I trust the Lord to give me what He sees that I need.
2. just the excitement of having life inside of you. Its hard to remind myself that I am no longer pregnant. There is so much pride for me in given the honor to grow, bear and nurture another child. But God's plan is perfect. I many not understand it, but thats not my goal. I did have a hard time while in the doctors office looking at all the pregnant women.
3. having to tell people the very thing I don't like to talk least not yet.

I am not a woman unaquainted with grief..although it always makes me chuckle that i generally handle it the same way each time I am in its path. I immediately convince myself that I don't need to talk to in depth about my feelings on it since God obviously knows how I feel about His decision. As I have told many people, "I don't have a problem with God..its just sad." However, the first rule of grief is to vent. Not I like to think. Although I must define venting. For me it means that I imagine myself crawling up in the lap of my heavenly father and communicating what I feel. Letting him wrap his arms around me and listen. Then in the precense of that loving soverignty I am brought to true worship. Because my venting eventually ends with the words of Habbakuk 3: 17-19 :
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
YET I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;

Even when surrounded by affliction and grief.. I will rejoice in the Lord. Although I do not dare to compare my grief with the grief that comes from the context of these verses (these prophesies of affliction were because of the chastisement of the Lord on the Israelites.) I do agree with the heart of reliance on the Lord.

God not only wants me to vent.. its His method of healing. So when I truly recognize that I am avoiding doing it..I realize its not because I don't want to talk about it.. it comes down to the fact that I don't want to worship.. thats not where my heart is. Its hurting.. But its the expression of my heart communicating to God that brings true worship because I am faced with His soverign plan and that is what I need to focus on to heal. Well that about sums up my thoughts. if you have read this.. you are a patient friend indeed.


Kim said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I've been thinking about you nonstop.

Graced said...

We are continuing to lift you up in prayer. I am so thankful that you belong to a God that binds up the brokenhearted.

-C said...

It's amazing how much comfort we can find when we choose to be grateful. I'm identifying with your feelings every step of the way and continue to trust God on your behalf to minister to you in your unique place. He has your attention ... learn all you can. We serve an amazing God. Thanks for being vulnerable.

-C said...

just wanted you to know that you're still in my thoughts and prayers ... got a couple good books to recommend if you need help processing emotions.

Michelle said...

I just read a lot of beauty Rachel. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so vunerable. I was really encouraged by your humility and faithfulness to God. He is so kind and a lot of times that is forgotten in times like these. I am so sorry for your loss. That sounds so cliche' but I really am sorry that you are hurting. I will be praying for you and your family.

Missy said...

Wow Rachel. I felt compelled to read your blog today. I know now why. I will be praying for you during this time.
Your attitude and upward looking are an encouragment to read. This life would be simply horrible without the saving blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. The mere fact that we even have the freedom to write openly about Him is a blessing.
Thank you for encouraging us all even in your time of sorrow.

Marsha said...

Oh Dear One! Even though I do not know you I grieve for your loss, but rejoice in your eternal, Biblical perspective on the sovereignty of God.
I would love to copy your post if I may. I'm counseling a post abortion woman right now who is really grieving her loss. She was 14 weeks and forced by her husband because they already have 4 children and he was unemployed at the time. We've been meeting for 10 weeks now. She's past the shame, she's forgiven herself and those involved, now it's the grief of losing a child.
I also work with pregnant unwed teens. One of my new moms (she's 16) just lost her baby boy to SIDS just 4 days prior to turning 3 months old. She buried her child September 21. Oh the sorrow she is carrying right now. I feel your words will lend her comfort. (Please let me know if I may print this out!)
I will continue to pray for you as you share in the fellowship of His suffering. May His grace be like a healing salve upon your aching heart. Thank you for allowing me bear this with you.
Dios te bendiga.

Marsha said...

Thank you Rachael for your wonderful response on my blog in regards to this post. I will be printing that out as well.
Yes, I can see this is your heartbeat, your passion. With your giftedness in writing, your skillfulness in presenting the Word of God, and the theme the Lord has woven into your life, I feel certain I will someday see a book out there by you. I also see one on one counseling with women who have borne grief. Key note and retreat speaker, all these God could be calling you to.
Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll check CBD online for it today. I'd like to recommend two books to you. They are not about grief, but about understanding purpose. They are both by Max Lucado: "It's Not About Me" is about recognizing that life only makes sense when we accept our place in it. The other is "Cure for the Common Life". This book helps you to look back over your life and see the common thread(s) that are woven into it. That becomes your sweet spot, your passion. It then goes on to show you how to live out that uniqueness (sweet spot) in every day life so that you don't just exist in God's creation but rather thrive in His plan for you.

As a side note, totally unrelated to the subject. In case you didn't know, I'm Missy's Mom.

Dios te bendiga.