Can you remind me again..

Can you remind me again that the kids aren't out to get me?

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING:

If you are a person who:

a) lives in a bubble and your kids are little drops of sunshine all day long, everyday or..

b) does not talk about the times in motherhood where you really start to question why you opted for children at all and you certainly wouldn't like to talk about that publicly..

This post WILL OFFEND you.

(Just thought you should be prepared).

Lets' start with this:

That's Eva, my 2 year old, in a cast.

Sunday (as in 5 days ago), while at a church we were visiting, she got her finger shut in the nursery door. It was a freak accident (Eva was behind the worker who was letting out another girl to her mommy). GROSS ALERT: We had to rush to the ER. I saw flesh.. and lots of blood. Eva was hysterical. Mommy was trying not to be. They had to remove her fingernail AND she got 8 stitches (thus the amount of blood I freaked about). She was a trooper. She watched the surgeon as he stitched her up and didn't even cry when they gave her the local block (shot) to numb up her hand. She was super strong. That night she did wake up every four hours for pain medication but by Tuesday, she didn't need anything.

On Tuesday we went back to Children's to get the cast put on so that the wound could heal. It looked nasty, even all stitched up. But that's just mommy. Daddy said they did a good job. He should know.

So fast forward to today, Thursday. After a few days of Alabama heat, where it's too hot to be outside longer than 15 minutes without some kind of water activity.. things in my house are starting to get crazy. And we can't do water because Eva's cast can't get wet.

Then it just started going downhill.

-I went to pick up two towels on the floor in my living room only to realize that Alex brought his cup of milk over from breakfast (I have NO idea why, never done that before) and set it under the towels. So of course the milk spilled. Thankfully towels were handy.

-Eva had a near miss on a HUGE glass of water spilling over her cast, which I was warned not to let get wet... they put the fear of God in me. Apparently my daughter has a Gremlin cast and one drop will suck her arm into a wormhole and we won't ever be able to get it out. Never mind that they make waterproof casts. But I'm seeing that a lot of doctors don't like to let you in on all the options available for your treatment plan, they only suggest the option that's easiest for them.. because you are their last patient of the day and they just want to get home. Never mind that you just spent two hours waiting in a small little room waiting for them.

-I send the kids outside to play for that 15 minutes allowable by the heat index and then Eva comes in crying with blood because she put her ONE GOOD HAND inside the fan. Yes. IN the fan. Thankfully it was only a small flesh wound. No stitches necessary.

-Mommy needs a Valium at this point.

-The boys are fighting. Normal, but at this point, I'm done.

I decide to get out of the house and give them a new view and head to visit my SIL and her new baby. I thought it would be nice for the kids to play and I can fold some laundry for my SIL while she sits and cuddles her baby.

-After 15 minutes of being there I hear Jorge "MOMMMY, you need to come here quick!" I walk in to the playroom to see Eva sitting on her cousins (Kevin, 3) potty. No biggie, right? Well, except that she has taken off her underwear and shorts, which have poop in them and all over them, poop on her shoes, poop on the carpet, poop (in the shape of a toddler rear) on the red elmo chair, poop on her leg, and so much poop on her foot I think she actually stepped in the poop.

-I have to spend 30 minutes bathing my daughter and, what seems, most of the belongings in my SIL's house.

- Oh, and how do you get poop off of a cast you aren't supposed to get wet?

-I decide that it's probably best if we just head back home. As soon I get in the driveway, Eva falls down and gashes her knee.

I promise I'm not kidding.

I know my kids aren't out to get me. None of this was done to me. But I can assure you the thought has crossed my mind: "Now, tell me again why I wanted to do this?" oh and: "can we fast forward three years?" (and don't tell me I will want that time back. I get that. But it's hard while I'm in it).

Someone said we may need a padded room for Eva. I think I am the one that needs that room.

I'm hoping that tomorrow. . will be much better. IF I can make it through tonight.

Let me talk depression for a minute.

I have recently been in a "funk." (read: depression).

Unmotivated. Feeling lethargic and then highly "emotional." Oh and add in some feelings of severe inadequacy.

Ahhh.. the spice of life.

But walking in that "tension" as we call it in recovery.. is a good place to be. You see, because that is where God meets you. NOT once you have your "act together." He meets you in your weakness. In fact, that is where His strength is perfected.

For years, I would beat myself up with guilt because not only did I know that I felt like I was in a pit, I couldn't just "snap out of it." And for that I was angry. Add to that, the notion that somewhere in my world there was someone that had it worse off than me and my happy tale of a life, well then, you can just add more guilt.

Stir. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

So now what?

Rest. Trust. Wait.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Rest in the tension. Trust that God will meet you AND restore you. Wait for Him to do it. Not some silly, contrived, half-hearted, in my own strength, gonna "do it no matter what" waste of your time.

Right where you are.. in that tension (emotion of the moment) you are a well loved daughter (or son) of the King. That phrase "He won't give you more than you can handle??" try this one on: "You (as you are in this moment) aren't more than He can handle."

Grace comes in the morning. Mercy too. Rest in it. You do not have to be something that you aren't. (happy, chipper, upbeat, excited, etc). Rest in the truth that you are loved. In this very moment.

So now on the other side of my valley.. my peace: it's from the Lord. Not fake "peace."

My happiness: it's from the Lord. Not fake, "I SHOULD be happy."

My joy for the simple things: It's from the Lord. Not fake, "I need to appreciate this."

My friends hear me on this: You are a loved child of the King. Right in that "funk" God is walking with you. Pour out your heart to Him. He can handle it. I promise.

Be warned: mommy WILL tune you out..

Do you ever have those days...

Moments in your day, where the audio in your home is too loud? Where the combination of all your chillins screaming, crying, fighting over legos, toddlers whining that they are "hungey" AS you are cooking dinner and a baby who is not happy whether you hold him or not.. it all becomes too much to bear?

Because, quite frankly, you just want to cook dinner in peace?

May I suggest that you invest in some super handy industrial quality "earmuffs."

This is how my hubby found me when he came home last night. And he cracked up. (and then took my picture).

It worked beautifully.

I could see the lips moving but nothing was coming out.

It was magical.

Right out of the gate. . .

I proved this morning that you can, in fact, sin before your feet hit the floor (from your bed).  

You see, I went to bed too late last night.  

Then my boys woke up at 6:03 a.m (that would've been 7:03 if not for the absurd time change). 

Then at 6:04 my boys start bickering over something and then they come pouring into the hall and then my room, all the while yelling "MOMMMMMY!!!" 

Then at 6:05 Eva starts crying because said boys have now woken the sleeping tigress (who has yet to adjust to the time change) and will only cause her to get more upset with each passing minute.  

Of course, this series of events made me boil inside.  I sharply rebuked my boys to get back in their rooms and then did what I knew I shouldn't: go lay back down in my bed.  

Yes boys still fighting... girl still crying.  

Boil. Boil. Boil... 

Then I jump out of my bed, stomp my way into the boys' room (this is more of a warning that mommy is coming.. how scary is that??) and then swing open their door (again, scary).  Jorge jumps into his bed out of fear (sad, yes) yet that does not break my anger.  I get down in Alexs' face and harshly say, "EVA is TRYING to SLEEP!! BE QUIET!! NOW!"  

You have to know Alex.  He puts his thumb in his mouth and his bottom lip is quivering.  He's going to try to be strong and not cry, well honestly, because I just yelled at him to be quiet.  

I stand up fully ready to waltz out of that room and close the door.. but the sight of those two boys, and the power of the Holy Spirit (praise God).. broke me.  

I sat on the floor and grabbed Alex and called Jorge to me as well.. and cried.  

And asked for their forgiveness.  

They were very gracious and kind and forgave me quickly.  

The Lord too. 

Praise God for forgiveness.  

All done crying.

You ever have those moments where all you really need is to just cry?  

That was today.  Sure, I am hormonal, but it was a true need to just acknowledge how I feel about all that is going on.   

Don't get me wrong.. no one is more thrilled to have another "bun" in the oven than me, but it each pregnancy is so different and this one is no exception.  This time I had to mentally adjust my brain to "you are doing it all over again." You see, I had resigned myself to the belief that I would NEVER be pregnant again (those thoughts are normal for someone whose husband has had a vasectomy).   And in our talks about our next child (via adoption) we always talked about adopting a toddler.  So not only was I past pregnancy, I was probably NOT going to be doing a newborn. 

{insert God laughing, here}

So now I am in the throws of nausea, fatigue and for the first time during a first trimester: insulin dependence.  I always had insulin in my pregnancies but NEVER this early.  With Eva I was about 11 weeks along.  So I was just about over being nauseous.  With insulin comes "working out the kinks." Which means I can "crash" if I get too much.  Think Julia Roberts, hair salon scene in "Steel Magnolias."  

It may not have me convulsing, but I get pretty shook up and it takes me about two hours to fully recovered. 

Add to that the normal nausea and absolute fatigue and you got yourself a strong cocktail of a day.  Lather, Rinse, Repeat for the next day. 

I do not want to complain.  Really, I don't.  This baby is a blessing.  this pregnancy too.  It is just a hard time, my first trimester, to juggle cooking, cleaning and child rearing.. oh and let's not forget.. just having fun with my kids. 

So at small group today.. i could hold it in no longer.. I was asking for prayer and then just started to cry.  Those sweet ladies stopped right then and prayed over/for me and reminded me how God is and that He would carry me through.  It was a sweet time and I am so thankful for them.  Not to mention that they all organized bringing me a meal..once a week.  

At least, my husband is guaranteed to have one home cooked meal a week.. I'll work on the other days.. one day at a time.  

and in case you wanted to see that clip of Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias.. here ya go.. about the four minute mark is the start of her low blood sugar spell.. 

NO more band-aids, thank you very much

So my favorite phrase of the day:

(Pediatrician) "Oh yeah, I see it.  Its stuck right on the back of her throat."  

I cried. In relief..  Mommy was right. I knew something was not right. 

FOUR HOURS EARLIER: 

Eva had her vaccine shots today.  You know those little round band-aids that they put on their chubby little legs?  Well, my sweet 8 month old daughter decided to pull one off her leg and eat it, while in her car seat, while on our way to pick up the boys from my friend Christina's house. 

She was crying on the way and I chalked it up to, she's just hungry.  the last time she ate was 8:30 and it was now 11:30.  But when i made it my friends house and tried feeding Eva she kept gagging and then started the screaming.  The kind of screaming that leaves you batty.. You know something isn't right.  I pick her up.  And that's when I see it:  One of the band-aids is missing.  

Christina gets me a flashlight and we attempt to hold a screaming baby down long enough to try to see if we can see the band-aid.  I couldn't see a thing.  Long story short: call the pediatrician and he says if she swallowed it that we will just have to wait for it to pass.  Eva doesn't want to nurse.  Screams non-stop.  I decide to head home and wait for it to pass.  On the way home she starts gagging so badly she throws up.  That I found out as I swerved over on the side of the road and open the door in time to see my gagging child throw up what i had tried to feed her at my friends house.  No band-aid in the throw up.  

She falls asleep from pure exhaustion.  Got home.  Put the boys in the bed and let the sleeping baby sleep.  When she woke up it was nightmare all over again.  Screaming, gagging, crying, not wanting to nurse.  Call the doc and said I'm coming in.  He assures me that if its it there and he can see it, he can get it out.  Otherwise we have to go to the ER.   Although, he does say that "it could just be she is that upset from getting shots." To which I assure him that she is NOT that upset.  The girl hasn't eaten in 8 hours.  That's NOT normal for any upset child and she has cried, nay, screamed for a continual 40 minutes.  

Got to the doctor... and upon examination he says the best thing this mother could ever hear (today): "Oh yea it's there.  Right on the back of her throat."  

I almost wept.  Instead, I scooped her up and snuggled her tight and kept saying "oh baby, mommy knew.  Mommy knew it.  I knew it wasn't right.  We are gonna fix it.  mommy knew."  

10 minutes later it was out.  And baby girl nursed like she had never nursed before.. or like it had been 9 hours since she had last eaten.  No more band-aids, thank you very much.  

My little angel is back to her old self.  Content.  Eating.  Sleeping peacefully. Praise be to God for His gracious deeds!!! 

We don't need to get out!

Another CFA post.  I don't know why, but some days my boys do great and some days there are little terrors.  Today was the Mr. Hyde side while in the play place.  I will say, to their credit, that they weren't being mean per se, just terrorizing two of the girls in there.  Mainly Jorge was terrorizing.  And again, to his credit, these girls were VERY sensitive.  If one of my boys just looked at them they would run to their mom and "tell on them."   It was funny, the first 10 minutes.  Then it was a wee bit exhausting.  Trying to convince her that they were not going to hurt her.  Bother?  Well that's a different story.  Its kind of hard to do "personal space" when there are fifteen kids in the same play place.  Anyhoo... we did have to leave when Alex bit Jorge.  And that makes the second time today.  Jorge has a nice little bruise (and outline) on his cheek (the face one) from where Alex bit him this morning.  Don't worry, Alex got his marks too.  

So apparently I have two biters.  Jorge did it too but it was not out of anger like Alex's is.  Oh the issues.  I am so thankful that they will move past this soon.  And then its on to bigger and better issues, right?  Ahhh.. the joy of parenting.  

On a funny note.. I am loosing my mind.  I had a true "mom" moment.  i was in my car on the phone with a friend.  And I am so used to telling people "hey I just pulled into my driveway, I gotta go (to unload the kids)" that even though I was in MID SENTENCE with my friend.. I looked at my phone, pressed end call and hung up on her.  While I was in mid-sentence.  Why?  Because I had pulled into my driveway and thought in my mind that I had told her I needed to go.  Proof of what being a mom does to your brain.  

For you mom's out there please share your funniest "mom" moment with me.. I'd enjoy the laugh (and the realization that I am not the only one).  Although I can also add that there has been at lease two times that a neighbor has come to my front door to tell me that I have left one of my van doors open (yeah, the automatic door)!  Holla Jennifer G!  

What a year already!

As obvious as it is that I have not blogged but twice in the past two months, I still feel the need to let you in on what has kept me from it.  Blogging has always been an outlet for me.  But as of late I can barely get the desire to put the dishes in the dishwasher much less type out my thoughts.  It is an understatement to say it's been a whirlwind since our Christmas in Colorado.  We got back, had New Years celebrations with both sides of the family, a visit to Montgomery to visit my older sister, my husband got a heinous GI virus and now the boys (Jorge and Alex) have walking Pneumonia.  Thankfully Eva and I have steered clear of all this yuk in our house.  (thank the Lord for breastfeeding!).   

The hardest part was not just the being cooped up indoors it was the fact that we didn't even have the option of going outside.  It has been raining for the past three days.  And yesterday, when my husband was taking the boys outside to play during the small break from the downpour, he made it to the radio flyer in our front yard before he had to turn the boys right round and come back inside because it started raining again.  The boys were so upset.  They were like, "FREEDOM!"  only to have it stripped away.  Sad.  

So you can imagine my joy to see the Sun today.  I mean.. really, I have never been so excited to see that bright ball of fire!  Even if today included a doctor's visit and finding out about the Pneumonia.  I feel much better having the option to go outside if we want.  I know I could not survive in a place like Seattle, or Alaska for that matter.  

well I bettter go.. the kids are sleeping and I need to catch up on some much needed cleaning.  I still am not completely caught up from coming back from our trip. :-(

Enjoy the Sun! 

Oh and I told you I would catch her in the act: 

Lil' stinker..

Not my child.

You probably have the type of child(ren) that are very cooperative. 

Or are obedient with a "happy heart." 

Or, more specifically, happily sit whilst someone is reading a story. 

Or participate in songs without throwing themselves on the floor because they think its funny.

That's probably the type of child(ren) you have.  

Not my child(ren).  You may have guessed it, for those who follow my blog, today was "story time at the library" day.  We have done this two times before with some success.  However, today my children were less cooperative.  The best way to describe it is by using a phrase I grew up hearing: My children were "actin' a fool!"  Yes.. That is the only way to describe it.  Also, they acted like "they ain't got no home trainin'." 

Which is exactly my point.  It was ever so obvious today that, while my children can successfully sit through a two hour movie of their choosing, they will not sit for story time at the library.  This IS A PROBLEM.  I am full aware people.  Believe me.  Yes, we have sit time at our house.  We sit for Bible time every morning before we do anything else.  We SIT for breakfast, lunch and dinner until we are excused from the table.  We sit for stories at home.  Lots of them.  SO WHY do my children get into that room at the Library and "act a fool?"  

They go to school and follow directions (MDO twice a week).  I know, I know ..kids act worse for their moms, but still.  

My sons are wound tighter than a banjo but I apparently need to unwind on their hind quarters and do some home training on this issue.  

Humor in the madness:  At the moment I had had enough (during the middle of story #2) I told the boys, "that's it. We're done.  We are leaving."  I grabbed them up and started to walk out, as quietly as possible.  Two moms in the back were watching the whole ordeal and were giving me that grin of empathy (although their kids were two girls who were sitting ever so sweetly where they were supposed to) when Jorge said, "mommy, I not want to get a spanking."  He said it all the way to the car.  Hopefully, the 10 people we passed on the way to the car won't call DHR.  

And one last comment.  If you are the parent of compliant children: 

 Thank the good Lord Jesus for the gift that he has given you, for the moment.  

That's it.. I am done. 

More pics.

Time to post a zillion pictures as an update for all the time NOT blogging.  Enjoy.. 

Eva is talking (cooing) to us now..so cute. Just like a girl.

Our friends (and former neighbors Jennifer G. and her daughter Mary Margaret) came by for a visit. 

Jennifer.. don't take so long to come over the next time..otherwise Eva will be 2!  LOL.  I loved seeing you and I hope we can get together to hang out again. 

I decided to go to story time again. This time friends came with us.  Christina, Jennifer W. and Amanda (and all the subsequent chillin's).  I did take pictures this time.. ones you can actually see.  

Crafts. 
Of course I had to document what my children do while at story time.. this was during the craft.  My three year old is on the floor under a chair. 
Alex, not doing the craft either, is messing with something he is not supposed to touch. 

And Im just wearing Eva.  And do I look tired or what?  Also could use some powder on my face.  
This was during one of the songs.. Jorge really likes that part. 
Amanda and Ian!  They look nothing alike!  LOL.  Riiiiight...
Alex sitting in Jorge's lap!  Not for long though. 
Jack holding his craft. 
Fritz happily coloring.  Obviously his favorite part of story time. 
Jen holding Eva while I attempted to get some shots of the boys. 
We all came back to my house after the library, ate lunch and then let the boys play outside, minus Jack (it was his naptime).  

Fritz was throwing leaves into the pool. 

the others were "swimming" in the pool. 
Jorge giving glory to God, obviously. 
climbing in a tree. 

Jorge helping Fritz climb the tree. 
Ta-da!!  His papa would be so proud. 

First Story time..

So today I decided to take the kids to their first ever story time at the local library.  They do a creative take on a story, songs, a craft and then a snack.  I knew going into it it would be stressful, but I knew that the kids would like it.  So I hoped.  One thing that I love when I get into these settings is that I really want to take pictures of the kids enjoying "firsts."  However, generally speaking, with now three kids three and under, I am severely outnumbered.  So the pictures don't happen.  And the whole time I am aware that I am not taking pictures and at the time... honestly, I just don't care.  Because if I am not taking pictures it means that things may not being going as I hoped.  For instance.. enjoy the following pictures that didn't happen: 

**Here you would see a pic of us arriving to library and Alex making a stinky diaper and grunting very loudly.  The boy needs more prunes apparently. 

** Here you would see a pic of Jorge not understanding that we will get the Bob the Builder dvd AFTER we go to story time.. He is trying not to cry.  Sad picture. 

**Here you would see a pic of my face and the expression of "oh no" as i walk into story time to a room decorated for Halloween (makes sense. its two days before Halloween).  I realize that our first story time has a Halloween theme..and if you haven't guessed.. we don't "do" halloween.  Others may, we may not.  

**here you would see a picture of me asking the story time reader if the story is about Halloween.  She says, "no.  its about a square pumpkin that saves some round pumpkins that roll out of the fence."  Thats fine with me.  We stay. 

**here you would see a picture of Alex crying while I am trying to get him to sit in my lap.  But I didn't give up and eventually he got it. 

**here you would see a picture of Alex saying "no," constantly while all the other kids are happily singing songs and doing the motions.  And by that I mean.. he is telling me "no" every 4 seconds. Especially, when I would do the motions to the songs with the other little kids. 

Eva slept the whole time which was a blessing.  Alex didn't like it and Jorge kept asking me if "we done now mommy.  We get Bob da buider now?"  

Better luck next time.  And maybe some real pictures.  Ha!

Discovering the "cons"

So Jorge has a 103.3 fever.  MDO does have it's drawbacks apparently.. but rest assured I can deal with fevers.  What did I do during MDO today, you ask?  I got a pedicure.  I should have slept but I was offered a pedicure from my hubby (meaning he suggested I go get one and since its on his tab..) I had to take advantage of the opportunity.  :-P

Not getting much sleep.  Is this a common theme in my blog posts?  Yes.  I am not complaining.  I really don't mind..its part of the territory or season with a new baby. 

On a different note.. we are going to Colorado for Christmas this year.  With mom and dad terry and the rest of the clan as well as another family.  I am so excited.  Last night Dad (Jim T.) gave me the name of the cabin we are staying in and so I pulled it up online last night.. beautiful.. here take a look.  I was nervous about going with three little ones but after seeing the cabin and knowing that its not a cramped little place but rather spread out with lots of play room, I feel much better.  There is also going to be plenty of "help."  And of course fun in the snow as well as activities "in town."  We will be flying out on my bday (the 18th) and getting back on the 26th.  So excited!  Plus Eva will hopefully be sleeping through the night by then.  One can only pray! 

Well I gotta go.. 15 minutes until The Office premiers.. 

adios. 

UPDATE:  Jorge threw up at 3 a.m.  fun times.. please pray this virus is short lived and that no one else in our house gets it.. last time we got this, Alex was spared.  So we pray that happens again. 

Random Update

Wow.. i have not felt like blogging. That is so weird for me to say.  I guess each time I think about the actual brain power it takes into jotting my thoughts down, I got a little overwhelmed and decided to just "wait 'till later."  And since I am the worlds best procrastinator, later never came.  But rest assured my faithful readers.. it had nothing to do with you.. it has everything to do with surviving off of very little sleep and then surviving by the skin of my teeth during the day.   Now onto some blogging randomness.  I need to cover many things...

Four weeks into this thing (having our third baby) I still believe that going from two kids to three is still easier than going from one to two.  I think mostly because your confidence level is way up and you can roll with the punches better.  However, the lack of sleep is harder.  I think because at this point your kids are toddlers and they want serious play time or NEED it.  

Funny story.  At 4:30 a.m this morning I said a prayer.  Simple and to the point: "Lord, please please please allow Jorge to sleep in until 7 a.m (he had been waking up at 6:30).  That would be so helpful Lord, really."   Well, apparently the Lord has a sense of humor.  Jorge did in fact sleep until 7 a.m.  BUT Alex woke up at 6:30!!  I guess the next time I will be a little more specific with my prayers.  

Annoying habit.  How do you keep your child from constantly sticking his finger in his nose and then putting it directly into his mouth?  The nose thing is really the bad part.. today he made his nose bleed bc he kept diggin'.  

Pep talk.  I had to call my sister Mishka today for a pep talk.  Its the same talk I've had every time (around this time) post-partum.  Let me give you her response and then see if you can guess what I was complaining about.  

Her: "Oh Rachel.. it takes nine months to get your body like that. you have to give it more time to get back to normal."

Yes. I was frustrated when I tried on "regular" clothes only to see that the buttons on the capri's I was trying, were not going to go within five feet of each other.  But I know, I know.. its only been four weeks.  The frustrating part is that I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight.. just not the inches around the waist.. but all in due time.. Im not obsessing about looks here, per se, I just want to fit into regular clothes bc the maternity are too big.  

Praise Report:  Big Jorge and I went to Cold Stone Creamery the other night (Amen..) and I ate a strawberry shortcake thingy and it was huge (probably why my pants don't fit) and when I came home and checked my blood sugars it was 110!! and that was only after an hour!  God is so awesome!  four weeks ago that same thing would have put me into a diabetic coma!  

Well I am going to go.. I hope you all are doing well.  Can't leave you without at least one pic. 

A Bit Much...

Well I think I recognized my limits today. I had this great idea last night that I should take the kids to the Zoo today since its been so beautiful outside.   I invited Jen W.(you really need a blog, btw)  and her son Fritz to come with us.  We had a late start and got to the Zoo around 10 a.m.  I wasn't in any pain.  In fact, this time post-partum has been awesome in that regard.  What I didn't count on was how exhausting the whole venture would be.  I had Eva in the sling and Alex walked alongside Jorge.  But its still daunting to keep Alex "in line."  I also had to stop to nurse Eva while there..not that big of a deal for me.. just time consuming.  We were there for an hour and a half and still didn't get to the lions and tigers.  Seriously Jen, what were we doing that whole time?? 

Then we went to get lunch afterwards at McDonalds and by that time my whole brood was d.o.n.e.  Tired and letting me know..more so Alex.  It was on the way home that I realized how exhausted I was and was praying that the boys would not fall asleep in the van, therefore bypassing a nap at home.  All was well until we got to our exit and I realized that Jorge had just fallen asleep.  I was heartbroken.  I so desperately needed a nap.  So when we got home I put Alex in the bed, fed Eva and got her to sleep and then put Jorge on the couch with me and laid with him until he FINALLY fell asleep 35 minutes later.  

At one point in there I was seriously going to cry if he didn't fall asleep.. i was that tired.  When I called my sister this afternoon I was mentioning all this and she said, "You went to the Zoo?  Rachel.. its only been three weeks.  Your sleep deprived and the Zoo is a BIG deal."  Thats when the light bulb clicked in my head.. its not just about pain per se.  Its also watching what you do because of sleep deprivation.  It clicked as to why I was so snippy with the littles while at the zoo.. so much for fun.  Although, I think we still had a good time.  And of course I have some pics..  (and special thanks to Jen for helping me while there.. sorry my kids taught fritz how to go through the "tunnel.")

The boys checking out some of the reptiles..Fritz wearing the cute hat..
Jorge and Fritz checking out the monkeys
Riding the train.. Jen I didn't realize that you were trying to avoid the picture..shame shame
Of course I am the only one actually looking at the camera!

For the record.. i do not like this paci!  Its HUGE! notice half her face is covered... but its the only one she will take, as of right now.. I'm working on getting her to take the Nuk.. its a slow process. 

Ahhh... sweet sleep!  I was so excited when those sweet little eyes FINALLY closed! 

All in all it was a good day.. just don't think im ready (sleep wise) to do a big event like that.. not for a little while at least.  And a HUGE thanks to my SIL and BIL who came by the house this evening and picked up the boys and took them to the park for two hours. WOW that was awesome.

Talk at you guys later. 

Adios!

I spoke too soon..

Well I spoke too soon.  Eva has decided to switch on me.  She is not sleeping well at night, nor eating well.  I guess we are in this phase now.  I will put on a smile and enjoy this short time because I know this too shall pass.. soon enough she will be sleeping through the night.. 

how is that for being positive??

In keeping with full disclosure...

Since so many of you are interested in this process that is my "labor" I must post exactly how I feel at this moment.  I must stress that although this is my third birth, this is only my first time to labor on my own (without induction).   Well that is, until Tuesday.  My blood sugar numbers and insulin intake, just today, was proof as to why Eva will need to be taken early.  

Anyway.. I haven't so much as pooped once since drinking the castor oil.  But then at 3 pm today I had, for 5 hours, contractions that were exactly 8 minutes apart.  On the dot.  Well an occasional 4 minutes apart thrown in the mix.  It didn't matter whether I was sitting, standing, laying down, they persisted.  

Then as quickly as they appeared..they stopped.  Or went to 20 minutes apart at 8 p.m.  I am sure there are hundreds of women that groan on my behalf as they remember going through the same thing.  So I must say how discouraged I am and how frustrating this process is.  I don't think I mentally prepared enough for the emotional roller coaster natural labor is.  I do not wish to hear anymore... "she'll come when she is ready."  I know that.  I don't want to hear "your body IS working..its just warming up."  I don't know what I want to hear..wait yes I do.. I want to hear the words coming out of my own mouth : Honey my water just broke.  Or Honey..this one really really hurts.  I have never wanted pain so bad in my life.  

Full disclosure, right?  I am mad.  That's it.  At a time when I should be happy.  I am mad.  That's the ugly truth.  5 hours.  FIVE HOURS and then bam.. stop. You have to admit that is pretty frustrating.  

Either way she is coming out on Tuesday even if I have to reach in there and grab her myself. 

And then there was....

NOTHING!  I will actually say the words.. Prodromal Labor (*cringe*).  

Note to self:  When trying to do a natural birth (including no induction) DO NOT get your cervix "checked."  It will only make you excited for something that may not happen immediately. 

It does not matter how far dilated your cervix is, even walking around at 5cm means nothing as far as sooner or later is concerned.  I had contractions last night starting around 7 p.m and they were coming on average 6 to 15 minutes apart for a couple of hours.  I went to bed and they lasted through the night, every 20 minutes and enough to wake me up with each one but fall asleep in between.  At 6:30 I had one that made me roll over and focus and breathe through.. then it was one every 30 minutes.  Which is where I am now at 2:30 this afternoon.  

So let me say this:  this is my first time I have not been induced.  I said I wanted the experience of a "natural birth" (not just unmedicated) so here is what I asked for.  My sister did the same thing too.  Runs in the family apparently.  ;-)

So the goal today is rest, rest, rest.  I took a nap this morning and am about to take another nap right now.  Eat well, nap frequently and try to keep my mind off of what is NOT happening.  I know it will be soon enough.. she can't stay in there forever.  

For those of you reading this and have experienced prodromal labor... you do not have to tell me how you went through the same thing for two weeks or five years... it won't help me.   The best thing I need is to be reminded that my body IS doing work, she will be here soon enough and that, hey, I'll already be done with 5 cm's!  Now that IS awesome!  Our next prayer is that I can get to the hospital fast enough once the real labor starts and gets to transition!  

You friends have a great day!   I will keep you posted if anything changes!  Believe Me!  lol 

Haven't we done this before?

I am not sure if you read this post back in May, but it seems we were doomed to repeat history. 

My thursday morning was off to a great start with both boys playing happily in their rooms while I took a shower.  I always give Alex some toys in his crib, turn some music on for him, give him a sippy cup of milk and he's good for at least the 30-45 minutes it takes for me to take a shower and start breakfast.  Most of the time he only stays about 25 minutes in his crib and then I let him run around the house.  

Anyhoo. . I had big plans for the morning of running several errands and had even contacted a friend to let her know that I would probably show up somewhere around 10 a.m to pick up some things she had for me.   

Well, then I went into Alex's room to get him out.  He happily handed me his toys and I happily put them back in the toy box.  He handed me his sippy cup and I set it on the dresser.  Then I looked at my sweet angel and said, "Alex, you want up?  Okay honey, say 'up'."  To which he responded with "No."  But its a no that is raised in pitch as it reaches the "o" sound.  

Time: 7:45 a.m.  

I tell him, "okay, little guy, then you can stay in here.  I'll check on you in a little bit."  I go in and out every 10 minutes or so and I get the same response.  He refuses to say "up."  

Time 9:00 a.m.  Its been an hour and 15 mintues.  And this is his little self in the bed.

I'm sure you can't tell without the "mother of this child's" eye, but he is giving me a look that reaks of "I ain't budging lady."  And he didn't. I had to call my friend and tell her not to expect us anytime soon.  and I had to come to terms  with the fact that we may not be going ANYWHERE that morning.  At one point right before the THREE hour mark, I went in and said, "Alex, just say up."  And folks, I kid you not, he mouthed the word three times but would not say it.  I actually told him, "honey, mommy can't hear you say it loud for me." Then he said, "Uuuuu" the beginning sound of up, about two times before I said, "fine. see you in a little bit."  

Well at 10:50 a.m I noticed that it had gotten really quiet.  Now he never really cried during the time he was in there.  In fact I would hear him laughing and playfully kicking the walls.  But when it got quiet I went in to check and this is what I found: 

That little booger WENT TO SLEEP and slept for TWO HOURS.  Well as you can imagine, I was quite shocked. Everyone kept asking me if he said up when he woke up.  Let's just say I compromised.  When I went in there I said, "Alex, do you want to get up?" and he said "Yeah." So I took that.  Now let me say, it is not the standard that he is supposed to say "up" before I get him out of the bed.  I just simply thought that morning, "hey, lets test the obedience of my toddler."  Well, boy did I get a test.  

Heavy heart.

Recovery time for Jorge until the diabetes went away: 3 weeks. 

Recovery time for Alex until the diabetes went away: 6 weeks.  

"Rachel, after one of these pregnancies your going to end up keeping this illness.  And there is a high chance it will be insulin dependent too.  Not to mention what it is doing to your body, that we don't know about yet, while pregnant." -quote from my endocrinologist. 

Then there is research like this that shows that:

"The 8-year postpartum diabetes risk was 52.7% (130 diabetic cases of 302)" and sadly, " Risk was increased in women with autoantibodies to GAD and/or insulinoma antigen-2 (adjusted hazard ratio 4.1; P < style="font-weight:bold;">women who required insulin during pregnancy (4.7; P <>30 kg/m2 (1.5; P = 0.04), and women with more than two prior pregnancies (2.5; P = 0.02). Women without these risk factors had a postpartum diabetes risk of 14% by 8 years, and risk rose incrementally to 96% by 8 years in autoantibody-positive women."

So that pretty much sums up..me!  The risk is great.  So whats the big deal about having diabetes with insulin dependence for the rest of your adult life?  Well, there are lot's of risks to having diabetes : such as blindness, heart disease, nerve disease and kidney disease.  

My point in all this is to say that I want to be here for my children.  I want to be healthy and alive for as long as possible.  And with each pregnancy I take the risk of increasing my chances of keeping diabetes.  Not only that, but I can not take the risk of keeping the diabetes and then getting pregnant again.  There are more risks associated with that decision than would be worth the risk to my body.  

All this has led Jorge and I to decide that Eva will be our last "natural" child.  Through lots of prayer we have decided that I am going to get a tubal ligation.  Well, actually Jorge feels that he would rather get "tied" because he isn't so sure about the hormonal risks associated with a tubal.  Im convinced that I would rather be the one to get the surgery.  Anyway, this is a painful decision for me to make.  But not one that I feel guilty about.  I know what it's like to grow up without a mom because of medical issues that took her to early (she too was told not to have anymore children..then got preggers with me.  11 years later she died).  And I do not want to even travel remotely close to that road.  I know the Lord is in control of the number of days I have.  I just want to make the best decision for ME and for the circumstances.  

Who knows why I am sharing this on the world wide web.  I guess because I just wanted to vent.  Its a sad thought.  No more birth.  But I can't wait, should the Lord allow, for us to bless another little baby into our family that would otherwise not have one (through adoption).  Just because I may not birth them doesn't mean I can't still get our soccer team!  lol. 

So I would ask for you to pray specifically that God would see fit to keep me from postpartum diabetes.  That my numbers would return to normal quicker than they had with the boys.  God's will be done for sure, but if possible that that cup would pass from me.  

 

Doctor, still sick and new baby!

New look for the blog.  I hope you like it and its easy on the eyes.  I found out about the site that offers the free templets from Rachel C.  And she also helped me walk through how to change alot of the things I was clueless about.  So thanks again girl.  

I had yet another dr's appt today for Eva.  She's still doing great.  Lower heartrate today (120's) but still normal.  I talked to Dr. Ross about my numbers and trying to deliver at 38 weeks and he said that sounded like it was a good idea, based on all the diabetes "stuff."  He is good with my "natural" approach to inducing the labor before we go to pitocin.  So that's GREAT!  So people.. August 25th is the day I turn 38 weeks and that is the day that I am pulling all the stops to see what herb, wives tale, you name it.. will work getting my uterus going.  So feel free to leave a wives tale you have heard (that's worked before on you or someone you know) and I will consider it.. I'd do a contest to see which one worked but if I'm trying a bunch on the same day then there isn't a way to see which one worked. 

Jorgito threw up again at 1 a.m this morning.  And has already had diarrhea twice.  I really covet your prayers for him.  The doc called in a reflux med to see that will help with the throwing up in the middle of the night.  So we'll try that tonight.  God is giving me strength to function with three hours of sleep or six (combined) for the last two nights.  No complaints there. I just hate to see my little man continue to deal with this "thing" whatever it is.  

Also, for those of you who know Jim and Shelley Walls.. they just called and they delivered a beautiful baby girl about two hours ago: Naomi "Hope."  I will put up a pic as soon as i get one.  Its on my phone but I can't transfer it on my computer.  Yeah!! Jim and Shelley!