Why I quit blogging..

It's been 5 months since I last wrote on my personal blog. And while I tried to give a small hint as to the changes I've experienced, I had not given much explanation as to why those changes prompted my exodus from the blog world.

You see, I struggled with feelings of insecurity and rejection and the best way for me to feel immediate relief was for the World Wide Web to give me a stroke to my ego. Granted, I did not always realize this was going on, but alas, it was. The symptoms that presented were (but not limited to) inflammation of the truth, of my world. I wanted to get a pat on the back so I would write a post, show a picture or gush about how wonderful my life, kids, family was (this also applies to Facebook posts). These things in and of themselves are not negative. But when this was the only thing you ever saw, you may tend to think that I am either perfect, or living some kind of dream life where my kids obey 90% of the time and I rarely raise my voice.. I mean, why would I have to with the perfect kids and all?

What's lacking in the posts and pictures is the back story or the immediate after story. Let me give you some examples. There is the perfect caption and then the reality. But rarely is the reality ever shared.. because I just wanted you to focus on the positive. Heck, I did too. While I may not have captioned these pictures exactly like they are below, the truth of my point still stands: sometimes people present only a portion of their reality.

*Exhibit A.

Caption: "I am so proud to be home all day and school these adorable children who are so creative and do nothing but sit at this table with a sincere reverence for me." (okay, a little dramatic.. but you get my point).

Reality: While I didn't stage the shot, as soon as I hit send on sharing with facebook the older two started fighting about who had done a better job on their work. Eva walked over and drew on Isaac's paper and he started screaming. It wasn't quiet and serene any more.. and certainly not reverent.

Exhibit B:

Caption: "I love that my children enjoy being so close to each other. They are so happy together. They are watching a movie that they NEVER EVER EVER get to do because we don't like that big ugly box, unless it's absolutely necessary.. like I'm sick or they are sick or something EXTREMELY RARE like that."

Reality: This is probably the third day that they had watched t.v. and not because it's educational. Nope. They are zombies. They are sitting next to each other because the magic machine is playing happy images that will do nothing for their educational achievement. Oh and no one was sick. I was probably just trying to keep my head above water with laundry or house work.

Exhibit C:

Caption: "I am so excited that I just made this incredibly healthy meal for my entire family. Look at the effort it took.. but it's worth it to eat healthy. I mean please know how much I value eating healthy and know that my kids LOVE it."

Reality: I won't tell you how many times I eat fast food in a week. And I certainly wont talk about the extra weight I have because you might deduce that all my habits aren't as healthy as I'm letting on. Gracious, don't even get me started that Broccoli is the ONLY green thing my kids will eat and THAT is only because of the movie "Mars needs moms" that got them on the idea that it was "cool."

Exhibit D:

Caption: "I love being home so that I can keep my house clean. Like, all the time. I just love being able to have a clean house."

Reality: This was taken while our house was on the market. I only kept it this clean for the first few weeks. Then I realized that if someone wanted to buy the darn house they would have to buy it in it's current state and I certainly wouldn't break my back with four small kids trying to keep it spotless. I guess I should also mention we never sold it. But we are happy to still be in it.

I think you may be getting my point. For so long in my life, I was so hungry for affirmation and acceptance that I would shudder at the thought of telling you my parenting failures or my marriage mistakes but now I long for it. When I post a picture on facebook (or a status update) I have to ask myself: Is this presenting the reality? Or, am I only sharing the positive I see? Now I like to share pictures of what's really going on on any given day. Mostly to remind myself not to take myself so seriously. And honestly, to help those around me realize that it's okay to be honest. But it starts with yourself.

I don't know.. maybe, just maybe I will return to blogging. It may not be as often but I can assure you that it will be balanced. ;-)

Sweet.. or is it??

Take a look at this precious picture..

Two brothers, embracing each other. Connected by the bonds of brotherhood. Awww.. everyone say "Awwwww.."

Wait, what is Jorge whispering into Alex's ear?

A plot to attack the boys who won't play with them on the playground?

"You take the front, I'll take the back?"

Well, a momma can still be proud of the unity of at least these two, right??

after a "bad" homeschooling day

(I finally wrote this down..to keep my sanity. I know I am opening myself up to attack for posting this.. but oh well).

WHY AM I DOING THIS?

Face it Rachel:

· There are better teachers out there than you.

· School isn’t evil.

· Your children would “survive.”

· Life would be “easier.”

You obviously aren’t hs’ing for academic reasons. You aren’t hs’ing because you think that this is a quicker way to sanctify yourself.

It’s also apparent that hs’ing isn’t:

· Easy.

· A quick return.

· Convenient.

· Fun (most of the time).

· What allows for the most free time.

· For everyone.

· Law (as in, “you are more spiritually pleasing” to the Father if you hs).

So, here is what HS’ing is (perceived negatives):

· Difficult

· Frustrating.

· Emotionally taxing.

· Physically draining.

· A slow process.

· Inconvenient (at times).

· Demanding of your time, energy, and brain space.

But Rachel, it is a CHOICE.

So why in the world, knowing all of the above, are you choosing to do this?

I want to do home education because:

1. I get to follow my kid’s learning pace.

Yes, Rachel. Your child will hit a wall. He will forget what he’s learned and you will have to back track. But hs’ing allows for you to catch on when this happens and then give him/her the attention they need. You can stop the class and say.. “Lets scratch that and move on to this” or “hey, lets go back a few lessons and review.” This is NORMAL. And being able to work the lessons around where he is will build confidence and the truth is: HE/SHE WILL get it soon enough. Part of hs’ing is not defining what grade your kid is in bc, quite honestly, while he may be 1^st grade math he could still be kindergarten with reading. That is NORMAL. And will likely be like that his entire education years (ahead/current with some subjects and “behind” in others). And imagine the confidence he/she will have knowing that that is Okay.

2. He/She avoids playground politics.

One of the main reasons why you want to educate at home is because you want for your kids to not have to deal with “the reality of the real world” as a young kid. You want to allow them to be free to play and learn instead of worried about Johnny on the playground pressuring them, or berating them. You are not naïve in this effort, knowing that, YES the world is brutal, but you want to build your arrows strong before you send them into that battle.

3. You are able to work on the heart issues that come up everyday.

This used to be pie in the sky for you, but now it makes sense. Remember Jorge being the bully. In school, this would be up to the teacher to work on, until he got home and then you would only have a few hours to help him. But at home all day, he is with you and with his siblings and you are able to see it first hand and deal with it every time it comes up. And you are able to have those heart to heart conversations leading him to the Gospel of Christ and His desires for his little life. That is so worth every ounce of frustration over phonics. But also having them home all day means that you see their sin (all day long) and not just one kid.. but four. It is very draining, emotionally, to have to deal with this.. but you know it is close to your heart. And that drives you to pray for wisdom and remember that THIS is a benefit of hs’ing: you have all day to pray with them and talk with them about the very things they struggle with.

4. So much flexibility with the daily routine.

Rachel your heart longs to cherish this time while they are young. To be able to go to the park, have fun, snuggle at naps and just be around each other.. while that season exists.

With this said, you need to remember a few things, Rachel:

· There will be GREAT days. Progress is evident. Life seems perfect.

· There will be “BAD” days. They will regress. Life will seem bleak. And you will question, “Why am I doing this?” Remember: THIS IS A CHOICE. Your risks/benefits analysis says that you can handle the frustrations in light of the benefits for your family and for your children.

· You believe that the perceived negatives are really things that God can use to glorify himself (remember the day of spiritual warfare that turned into a wonderful sharing opportunity with the kids?).

· Your kids, at times, will have to back track. This is GREAT. It means you are listening to their needs.

· The younger kids will still “distract you” from school. But this is for their good too. Because they are learning as well. Not only from the discipline, but from what the older ones are learning (remember the catechisms).

· While you may not be the “best” teacher out there, you know your children the best. And you can be a great tool of encouragement in their lives.

· Daily struggle with patience or even desire to hs is an opportunity to go back to this list. But also to bring it to God. Ask Him if this is what’s best. And at any point, he could say “no.” There is grace to make a different choice. And there is also GRACE to keep the current one.

· Just like marriage, hs’ing is not a fairytale. At times it is painful, gut wrenching, crying, full of emotional roller coasters, fights, repenting of wrong, loving in spite of sin and a HUGE opportunity to receive grace as well as give it. It is not always the happy facebook updates/pictures. Those are the good days. Not everyone posts pictures of the crappy days. But that is not reality. Remember: it’s difficult to do home education. But good comes from both types of days.

· - You are not motivated by boot strap mentalities or thinking “Just push through” or even spiritual sounding mentalities, “this is for our good,” etc. What motivates you is this truth: You are a beloved daughter of the king regardless of where your child goes to school. Your desire to hs your kids doesn’t improve your standing with God (that is already sealed). What encourages you is to know that God is using even those depressing days with no progress and complete meltdown for His glory. Yes, that’s the same answer as “this is for our good” but if feels less preachy in the context of “he loves you regardless of what you decide to do.”

· It all goes back to YOUR list. Not someone else’s.

Can you remind me again..

Can you remind me again that the kids aren't out to get me?

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING:

If you are a person who:

a) lives in a bubble and your kids are little drops of sunshine all day long, everyday or..

b) does not talk about the times in motherhood where you really start to question why you opted for children at all and you certainly wouldn't like to talk about that publicly..

This post WILL OFFEND you.

(Just thought you should be prepared).

Lets' start with this:

That's Eva, my 2 year old, in a cast.

Sunday (as in 5 days ago), while at a church we were visiting, she got her finger shut in the nursery door. It was a freak accident (Eva was behind the worker who was letting out another girl to her mommy). GROSS ALERT: We had to rush to the ER. I saw flesh.. and lots of blood. Eva was hysterical. Mommy was trying not to be. They had to remove her fingernail AND she got 8 stitches (thus the amount of blood I freaked about). She was a trooper. She watched the surgeon as he stitched her up and didn't even cry when they gave her the local block (shot) to numb up her hand. She was super strong. That night she did wake up every four hours for pain medication but by Tuesday, she didn't need anything.

On Tuesday we went back to Children's to get the cast put on so that the wound could heal. It looked nasty, even all stitched up. But that's just mommy. Daddy said they did a good job. He should know.

So fast forward to today, Thursday. After a few days of Alabama heat, where it's too hot to be outside longer than 15 minutes without some kind of water activity.. things in my house are starting to get crazy. And we can't do water because Eva's cast can't get wet.

Then it just started going downhill.

-I went to pick up two towels on the floor in my living room only to realize that Alex brought his cup of milk over from breakfast (I have NO idea why, never done that before) and set it under the towels. So of course the milk spilled. Thankfully towels were handy.

-Eva had a near miss on a HUGE glass of water spilling over her cast, which I was warned not to let get wet... they put the fear of God in me. Apparently my daughter has a Gremlin cast and one drop will suck her arm into a wormhole and we won't ever be able to get it out. Never mind that they make waterproof casts. But I'm seeing that a lot of doctors don't like to let you in on all the options available for your treatment plan, they only suggest the option that's easiest for them.. because you are their last patient of the day and they just want to get home. Never mind that you just spent two hours waiting in a small little room waiting for them.

-I send the kids outside to play for that 15 minutes allowable by the heat index and then Eva comes in crying with blood because she put her ONE GOOD HAND inside the fan. Yes. IN the fan. Thankfully it was only a small flesh wound. No stitches necessary.

-Mommy needs a Valium at this point.

-The boys are fighting. Normal, but at this point, I'm done.

I decide to get out of the house and give them a new view and head to visit my SIL and her new baby. I thought it would be nice for the kids to play and I can fold some laundry for my SIL while she sits and cuddles her baby.

-After 15 minutes of being there I hear Jorge "MOMMMY, you need to come here quick!" I walk in to the playroom to see Eva sitting on her cousins (Kevin, 3) potty. No biggie, right? Well, except that she has taken off her underwear and shorts, which have poop in them and all over them, poop on her shoes, poop on the carpet, poop (in the shape of a toddler rear) on the red elmo chair, poop on her leg, and so much poop on her foot I think she actually stepped in the poop.

-I have to spend 30 minutes bathing my daughter and, what seems, most of the belongings in my SIL's house.

- Oh, and how do you get poop off of a cast you aren't supposed to get wet?

-I decide that it's probably best if we just head back home. As soon I get in the driveway, Eva falls down and gashes her knee.

I promise I'm not kidding.

I know my kids aren't out to get me. None of this was done to me. But I can assure you the thought has crossed my mind: "Now, tell me again why I wanted to do this?" oh and: "can we fast forward three years?" (and don't tell me I will want that time back. I get that. But it's hard while I'm in it).

Someone said we may need a padded room for Eva. I think I am the one that needs that room.

I'm hoping that tomorrow. . will be much better. IF I can make it through tonight.

Motherhood: it's all about survival.

Sure, motherhood is about making a difference in lives. Helping little ones learn the difference between right and wrong and helping them understand life.

In between those moments.. there are the "how do I survive this?" moments.


Take for instance, laundry. What's the point, really? (Jorge at 1)

cleaning the house? What does it matter. (yes, that'd be coffee grounds). Alex @ 18 months

(isaac @ <1)

And as a mother.. you live for daily heart attacks, right? (jorge @ 2)

and then clean kids? Psh.. it's overrated.

I'm telling you friends.. it's all about survival.

The Creek is cold.. and fun.

After my last post about our 4th of July family tradition, I got to thinkin' about another "tradition" of sorts.

The creek.

We inducted Isaac this past weekend and then that meant that I needed to find old pictures of the other kids when they were first introduced to the Creek. Even in July, it is still very cold.

So we can start, as usual, with the first child to experience it.

the boots were kinda pointless at that point.. ha!

Alex as wee babe.. splashing..

Alex enjoying it from a distance..

Turns out that I don't have a picture of the diva as a baby.. in the creek. Mainly because mommy said it was too cold for the "girl" to get in. Oy.

This was this past weekend. the boys have certainly gotten older..

and now Eva enjoys the creek and is fearless.

Isaac on the other hand..

not so much..

He prefers not to have cold water on his person at all.

there was so much fretting over that water..

that it wore him "slap" out.

Yup.. that's some kinda tired right there..

a tour of July 4th.. through the years.

Welcome to a tour of our family tradition.

Back in 2002.. my (then) boyfriend proposed to me on the soccer field of an elementary school right before the fireworks exploded. It was July 4th 2002. He picked that location because two years before that is where he had invited me (with another friend of mine) to watch the fireworks with his family. Jorge and I had been friends up until that point, but it was at that family gathering that I said (in my head): this guy is amazing and I would love to marry him.

Granted, we weren't even dating.. but I knew he was high quality. So when we started dating I told him that story.. and it meant a great deal to him. So much so, that he picked that exact spot to propose.

Thus we return every year.. with an extra kid in tow just about every year. ha!

July 4th, 2005. This was our first time taking a baby.. our firstborn.. He was almost 3 weeks old. And he was less than thrilled with the fireworks.

July 4th, 2006: i was pregnant and we didn't go. We opted to watch the fireworks at home.

July 4th, 2007: Date night. Had a sitter (because we were convinced the kids would not enjoy it.. ehem.. or we wouldn't) and did a double date with some friends.

July 4th, 2008: Very pregnant with our third child (born in August).

July 4th, 2009: we celebrated with friends in Georgia. And wouldn't you know, I don't have one family picture of that. Just like me. sigh.

July 4th, 2010: Family of six. Baby Isaac is a 2 months old. I love Jorge's expression.
And finally: July 4th, 2011. Alex does not want to look at the camera and my hubby has a light on his head (all the kids had one to be able to see in the dark, duh).

I love to see these pics.. brings back great memories.

Hope you all had a great Fourth!

it's the little things..

It's a frightening moment when, while folding laundry, there is a considerably LOW amount of clean underwear for two boys. It was obvious that they weren't changing underwear as much as I'd hoped.

My sister, does something that I thought I'd give a try: tell them to put on clean underwear at night when they put their pj's on. (and considering that most nights the underwear IS the pajama.. it makes sense).

Now I am happy to report that I am washing/folding a LOT more little boy underwear.

Also, I think I should note that my husband is a genius. I have long loathed the bed time routine only because of brushing teeth for the kids. I seemed to think time efficiency was the goal so I would round up all of them and get them to brush their teeth all at the same time. It would nearly put me over the edge. Everyone spitting on each other, water everywhere, mommy's feet getting stepped on..etc..

Then one night my husband was handling this routine and he was, GASP, bringing them in the bathroom one.at.a.time. GENIUS!! Why didn't I think of that??

I promise.. it's the little things that make all the difference..

You got any "little thing" ideas that seem to make life run more smoothly for you?

I'll give you ONE guess...

Wanna guess how a pan of brownies ends up looking like this?:

Her.
That girl.

(and yes, she does this in stealth mode).

thankful for milestones..

I love when a milestone hits.

And I'm not talking about walking, talking or clapping.

I like the milestones that bring independence with them. Or that usher in a new calm in our house.

Take for instance the event pictured below. Imagine classical music (Vivaldi, to be exact) playing in the background. And complete silence (other than my man V).
My two older boys sitting happily on the floor drawing in their "dream journal" books. (Technically, it's just a book for them to draw in but they got that name from a movie they've seen.)

I also noticed, after the shot was taken, that they are both sitting the same way. One right handed the other, left.

It's a neat milestone that I thought would never come when they were 3 and 2 and screaming like banshee's all over my house. And just the thought of them sitting still to color was sheer torture.

Alas, one more thing that older moms told me would happen in time.. and it's happening.

Just in time for the younger two to scream like banshee's in my house.

Oy.

the SCREAM heard around the block..

So my nephew is here for the week to attend VBS with his cousins (if he doesn't get severe homesick"ness" before Friday).

Anyhoo, my older three, plus Levi (and my niece, Nataly) were all playing outside. I was mopping the floors. Then I hear my nephew say in a very sweet voice, "Aunt Rachel.. can you come here?"

I walked to the laundry room and he was holding a red bin (used in the school room, btw). I peek in, fully anticipating a small insect. Instead I see this:

And yes, I screamed. In shock. Horror, even. Of course, my kids laughed at my screaming.. but I only hoped it would instill fear into them until we could identify this freak of nature.

While they were happy to inspect the bug.. I was wishing I had a macro lens.. to allow me to be even further away from the monstrosity.

You see, growing up I had NO desire to even look at bugs.. so I had no clue as to what kind it was.. but I quickly sent a picture to mom, dad and my brother Paul. All three texting back that it looked like a "stag beetle."

To make matters worse.. she would not leave "it" alone. She kept wanting to "pet"it. Ewww.

I promptly called my sister and said she could come pick up her son (an hour away), who would be sitting on the porch.. with his new pet.

Just a swingin'

Do you remember that song: "Just a swingin." When i saw these pictures that's what I started singing in my head. So of course I had to try and find the song. It only took me back about 20 years. Wow.

Anyway.. Eva really enjoys "pushing" Isaac (if you can call it that) in the swing. He seems to like it too...

trying to get him as high as she can go..

not quite realizing she has to get out of the way once she lets go..

and I simply adore both of their expressions in this.

and in case you aren't keeping up.. this cutie will turn ONE on May 12th. Wild. Just Wild.

in which we all get in the bathtub..

Last week we had some severe weather in Alabama. Everyone got out of school at 12 noon for storms that were coming at 4pm. (slightly irritated at that.. but I will move on).

Since this was the first time we've had an actual Tornado pass through our area.. ever, the kids were amazed at what they were seeing.

Here they are enjoying the massive downpour and occasional hail. Even Isaac is watching.

But as the sirens were blaring and James Spann (our local weatherman genius) was warning.. AND my five year old was begging.. we headed to "safety." I told them they could bring the Nilla Waffers and their pillows. Well, then it wasn't so scary anymore. Jorge brought his gun in case, you know, the tornado brought in some bad guys.

Eva took care of the food stockpile, eh hem.

and we stayed in there all of five minutes.

The Tornado decided to go further south and head on out of our county.

I did learn a valuable lesson that day: if you have a dramatic five year old, no matter how much you tell him that everything is going to be fine and you yourself remain as calm as a cucumber (even though you are a bit nervous because daddy is downtown still at work).. your dramatic child will still be a worrier. So take it easy on him. He is built differently than you. And that's okay. He will learn to trust over time.

And it's probably best to appease him when he is pulling you in to the bathroom so you won't get sucked up by the tornado.

Are all those your kids?

I have four. F.O.U.R kids. That is not a lot (in my mind). Especially considering that I have friends with 5, 6 or 7 kids.

But I do "get it" that them being so close in age, and all under 5, it looks like a circus when we go out..but I seriously don't get some people's reactions.

For instance, yesterday at Walmart. A man in his late sixties (my guess) was with his wife. She and I were both rummaging through the packaged meats when he decides to go for it.

him: "All those your kids?" (strong southern accent).
me: "Yup."
him: with a chuckle, "you guys aint figured out what causes that?"
me: never looking up from the meats, "Well, actually yes. And we like it very much."
him: an embarrassed chuckle, "well.. uh.. i guess you would."

(I should note that his wife, after I said that we liked it, gave him a death stare).

And I should forewarn everyone.. if you decide to ask me about my sex life.. I will answer you. Gone are the days of politely ignoring you. I will engage your desire to find out about my sex life and reproductive tendencies.

Galaxar out.

don't play with your food!

I mean, seriously.

Did you not LOVE to do this as a kid??

I have memories of doing this. It makes my heart smile that my kids love to do this too. Even if their mom had to show them it was even an option.

Next thing ya know, they'll be slinging pasta on the wall to see if its done.

What food fun do you remember doing when you were a kid??

(Mishka, do not say "using mom's attempt at homemade biscuits as weapons or as a tennis ball." Because, obviously, I got that baking gene passed down to me).